JOY! :)

Check this out:

G.K. Chesterson said, "Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. they always say, 'Do it again'; and the grown-up person does it agin until he is nearly dead. For grown up people are not srtong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy seperately, but has never got tired of making them..."

How awesome is that??!! To think of how majestic and beautiful nature is, and that God not only made it once and for all, but he makes it shine brighter everyday. So im in the first month of my "college career." (i hate that term. its not really a career. when i think of careers i think of money. and im certianly not making any money off this whole college gig. but anyway...) already i have started to get in a "slump." its a sort of get-up-go-to-class-go-to-work-do-homework-then-go-to-sleep slump. same thing everyday. then i read this passage in a book for my christian discipleship class. God is strong enough to exult in the MONOTONY. not because its boring... but because its beautiful. he is so full of joy that everything he does pleases him. Why can't i be that way?! do i exult in everything God does?

granted, sitting in my 8 o'clock class every morning is not like watching the sunrise every morning.... but there are things to be joyful in. for example, the fact that can be sitting in a Bible class at all... that alone is quite amazing and should be a great source of joy. two years ago, Bible college is the last place i thought i'd be... yet here i am.

God is strong enough to EXULT in the monotony. it doesn't say God is strong enough to not be completly bored out of his mind in the monotony. nor does it even say God is strong enough to be happy in the monotony. no. it says he is strong enough to EXULT in the monotony. According to dictionary.com, exult means, "to show or feel a lively or triumphant joy; rejoice exceedingly; be highly elated or jubilant." this conjours up a picture of someone so bubbling over with joy that they simply cannot contain it! (do you think God has a "happy dance?") :D

Thats how i want to live my life.... rejoicing exeedingly.

-Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in you be GLAD; let them ever sing for JOY. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may REJOICE in you.

-John 15:10-12 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my JOY may be in you and that your JOY may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

-Romans 15:13 May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

10 days left

"This is an exciting time! You're starting a new chapter in your life..."

BLAH BLAH BLAH. i've heard that line about 6,789 times in the past 4ish months. But i still can't seem to agree with it. A new book, maybe. a new world of challenges, possibly. but simply a new chapter? i think not.

where has my summer gone? i have 10 days left before i move to a different state, and leave pretty much all i know behind. i guess i thought it would feel different than this. i thought i would, i don't know, "mature" or something over the summer. i would somehow FEEL more prepared to go away. i would have some "epiphany" as to what direction God would have me go and what i was suppose to do.

but surprize, surprize, I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE!!!! infact, instead of "growing up" i seem to have reverted to clinging to my childhood more. not so much in an immature, "i want to stay home and watch cartoons and eat cereal all day" kind of way... i mean, i did move out and was living with a friend in her apartment for most of the summer. and i have been working 40 hours a week in the kitchen at hy-vee. to most people, on the outside at least, that would seem mature and very adult-like. but i know myself too well.

i know that as the days on the calender are screaming that im closer and closer to moving away to college, the more i want to ignore it, and run the other direction. i want to avoid it all together, which is very childish of me.

i guess im still holding on to this hope that i will be ready when the day comes to pack and move and drive to missouri... but im slowly getting used to the idea that i will leave wither im ready or not, and my thoughts and feelings will soon follow. and i know that God will use this time of uncertianty to glorify his name. and in the end thats all i can ask for...... right?

We All Fall

We All Fall
V1: sometimes i struggle to know how to feel
to know what to think
to know what is real
and normally im pretty good with words
i know what to say
to make you look the other way
... while i fal further from grace

Chorus: but here in this moment i long for the truth
i want to come running back to you
but my words cannot express
my mind just can't find rest
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are
v2: and i know who i was
but that is nailed to the cross
and i am free to live unashamed
Lord be my rock when i am lost in this storm
God be my hope when my future seems torn
Daddy here i am
take me back again

Chorus: but here in this moment i long for the truth
i want to come running back to you
but my words cannot express
my mind just can't find rest
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are

Bridge: i am forgiven
i am loved
i am free
I am yours
i am yours
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are...
________________________________________
--Jess--

holy

Holy

How many roads did I travel Before I walked down one that led me to You?

How many dreams did unravel Before I believed in a hope that was true?

How long? How far?

What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still And all You ever wanted…
Only me on my knees Singing holy, holy

And somehow All that matters now is You are holy, holy
How many deaths did I die Before I was awakened to new life again?

How many half truths did bear witness to ‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?

How long? How far?

What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still
And all You ever wanted…

only me on my knees singing holy, holy

somehow all that matters now is You are holy, holy...

such true lyrics. when it seems we have tried EVERYTHING we know to make life make more sense... God brings us to our knees, and we realize thats where we sould have been all along-- falling to our knees in prayer, crying to the Maker of the mountians we can't climb.

Its a very humbling experience to pray. when you think of how a holy God can look on us with love, even after all we have done, and yet to do... sometimes its hard to stand before his throne and not be ashamed, and discouraged, because i am SO not worthy and i mess up again and again. but at the same time thats what offers hope. God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. thats a hard concept to grasp. no matter what i do, my God is going to still take care of me. he's still gonna love me the same. and because i know Christ died for ALL of my sins-- for the sins i committed ysterday, and the ones i will committ tomorrow-- i can kneel before the Throne of the Most High God, humbled, but unashamed, for Jesus' blood makes me clean.

and when i'm done wondering the roads that lead me no where, you'll find me in the place where it all began-- on my knees, singing holy, holy. and i've found that all that matters now, is he is holy, holy.

--Jess--

Free

"The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage"
-Thucydides

I once read that “Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." (Voltaire) I would agree, to an extent...
We choose when we are ready to let go, when we are finally able to put the past to rest.
We choose to let God break us of everything we thought we were, so that we can be everything he created us to be.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take the first step.
We can rationalize in our minds that we are fine, we don't need to change. Or at least thats what i do. I convince myself that i don't need help. i'm fine. i can live with this sin, with this life for a while longer.
But i couldn't. it was killing me. it was breaking my spirit, it was draining my strength. and finally accepting help was the most humbling, terrifying, incredible experience of my life.

I've always been one to cry. a lot. for aparently no reason. :)
but these past couple of days, with all the changes, i havn't cried. i think it just goes to show how completely empty i am. and its scary, but now that i am emptied, my creator can fill me.
He can fill me with his love.
He can fill me with his mercy.
His gentleness.
His strength.
His forgiveness.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
-James 1:12-

All in All

you are my strength when i am weak
you are the treasure that i seek
you are my all in all...

what does that mean? to be "all in all" ??
it means God is everything. begning and end. (and everywhere in between) :P
His love and mercy surrounds us, it is in us, it shines through us.and when i fail time and time again... it humbles me... shatters me to my core to realize He still loves me. he will still provide for me, because His love is unconditional.
UNCONDITIONAL.
that means i am His child, and i am his beloved one NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I MESS UP. He loves me when i can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror. when my shame and regrets have become chains that bind me, and keep me from living the life that Christ died to give me... My God still loves me.
and sometimes its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he has already forgiven me. he forgave me at the cross. he only sees his son-- his perfect, holy son in place of my disgusting sin.
all in all....
everything
more than enough
sufficeint for even me
loving
merciful
kind
unconditional
ALL powerful

i am emply, but Lord my prayer is that i find fulfillment in you and you alone.
i am broken but Abba make me brand new.
i am weak, but i know when i am weak that you oh Lord are strong.
i am nothing... but God you are my all in all

untitled

so its the end of my senior year... *que the sappy music, get the box of tissues, hug a friend*


but hold up! its all happening so fast! i hesitate to even write this, cuz i feel like everything that i'm feeling right now is so new to me, but yet i know its been felt a million times by everyone else, that no one would care to read about one more person caught between the pages of an unwritten chapter in their life...


so i'm writting this one for me. i'm getting it all out there, everything im feeling right now, because thats why i write. i feel like if i can somehow put into words what im thinking, if i can catch the crazy/sad/happy/mad/bitter/regretful/stressed-yet-calm emotions on paper... maybe i'll be rid of them for good!


so..... where to begin?? i always knew i would graduate high school, but i never really put a whole lot of thought into it. like where i would go afterwards or anything. now its here.


HERE.


NOW.


i know that God is calling me to go to Central Christian College of the Bible in Moberly, MO... but where from there i don't know. i hadn't cried at all about missing friends or about being unsure of the future; i hadn't stressed over how i was going to pay for college. honestly, i was really caught up i being busy working and just


going


going


going


all the time that i didn't have any time to slow down and realize the changing world around me.





......... until saturday night.


ok, so technically it was sunday morning at 2am, (when you are sleep deprived, emotions always run rampid) and i was opening cards from my graduation party earlier that day.


i had opened about 72,000 cards when my hands fell on a card that my bestest friend in the whole entire universe gave me.


the words were few.


the message simple.


but hot tears streamed down my face.


"i'm gonna miss you this summer and school year... thanks for bringing meaning to my life. your smile is always a bright spot in my day..."



out of NO WHERE the tears poured out of my eyes.

What??!! i thought to myself. why am i crying?? why now?

i didn't cry when my mom hugged me for the first time in months.

i didn't cry when my friends i hadn't seen since 3rd grade randomly showed up to my open house.

i didn't cry when my dad actually told me he loved me and he was proud of me. (which is totally not like him)

but when my best friend wrote me a simple note telling of how i had somehow encouraged her.... the flood gates broke! :)
i guess all i could think of was all the times she had poured her life into me, and pointed me back to God in my times of need, and all the little things she did to make my life brighter. and yet she was thanking ME??? why???
and then i kept crying, (i've found that once you start to cry, its much easier to just keep crying than to attempt to stop...)
so then i just layed on my bed and cried (at this point its like 3am) and when i was done crying i remember that i felt-- i don't know hoe to describe it-- empty. but in a good way. because God uses the empty jar and fills it again. he takes the blank canvas and paints a masterpiece....
he uses the broken life and builds a new creation.
:) so..... i'm ready for what God has in store..... are you??
--Jess--

"expelled"

so on saturday night i went with a group of people to the movie Expelled. It was a documentary on teachers and scientists who are getting blacklisted for teaching, or even mentioning Intelligent Design in any way.
i thought the movie was very informative and interesting...
but there was one comment that struck me. it actually didn't have a lot to do with schience at all.
one of the scientists who was very adament about not teaching intelligent design said that, "We (scientists) are not trying to ruin things like church for other people. Church is something a lot of people do on the weekends. its like a club people belong to. the idea of church and God make people feel good. we don't want to take that away from people. But false ideas like God and religeon have no place in science..."
How sad is that?
is that how we, as christians, are prortraying the church? as a "club to belong to" or an idea that makes us "feel good"?? is church really something we only do on the weekends?
hearing this scientist (along with many others that had the same veiw) talk about church really opened my eyes to all the effects our behavior has on the non-believing world around us.
it might be a different story if these scientists saw christians that showed love, that had lives saturated in Gods word, that lived and breathed Gods faithful instructions. maybe their veiws would be different if when they looked at the local church, they saw people who "bleed Bible" (thanks Pastor Will) :)

the documentary really made me question my realtionships...
does everyone i come in contact with know that i have a joy inside of me, do they know that i have felt the love of a savior? am i living a life that makes people look TO God or AWAY from God?

nothing else i need

When I think of all I've seen
Nothing compares to what you give
And to drink of what you bring
You quench the thirst for me to live
I am satisfied by what tenderness you've shown to me
And I empty all that I am

And you fill my life
You're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me
And there's nothing else I need anymore

I have tasted
And I know this fire birthed inside will only grow
And I've sought all that this world tried to offer me
And it lead me to your feet

And I empty all that I am
And you fill my life
You're everything to me
There's nothing else I need anymore
And I know you are everything to me
And there's nothing else I need anymore

I will lay down all my needs and you will come and make them new
To make you my only desire, my desire
--Jeremy Camp--

wow... to truly live like there is nothing else i need but Christ...
how convicting! yet that is what i need to be reminded of time after time. i don't know... there's really not much else to say except... TRUE STORY!!
-Jess-

OK, lemme explain...

So, it has come to my attention that i use the phrase, "you are my hero!" a lot...
and some people think that if i use it too much, it kind loses its meaning.
i disagree!!
lemme explain: do you ever have one of those days where it seems pretty much every little thing that could go wrong, DOES??
when one person smiles, or has a really good attitude, or goes the extra mile to make you're day better, well, THEY ARE MY HEROES.
and i don't think people hear that enough. without all the little things that make the day smooth, well, life would just kinda be depressing!
so... thank you to all the people in my life who make every day worth living!
THE END

GOOD POINT!

"True... life might be EASIER if God just TOLD us what to do with our lives... but that wouldn't require a whole lot of FAITH, now would it??"
--Pastor Murray--

i thought a lot about that quote over the past 21 hours since i heard pastor murray say it.
and i've come to find that it is oh so true.
life WOULD be easy if God just said, "ok jess, this is my plan for your life... listen very carefully. You are going to go to college here, and then marry this guy, and then start a family, and live happily ever after." then, of course, He would hand me map with detailed instructions on how to get where... and so on.
but the more i though about that, the more i realzed, even then, i'm sure somehow i would screw it up... cuz i do that a lot.
i guess the point is, we all need to have faith...
the end!
--Jess--

Because You Are Loved

Don't give up It's just the weight of the world

When your heart's heavy

I will lift it for you

Don't give up

Because you want to be heard

If silence keeps you

I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up

It's just the hurt that you hide

When you're lost inside

I will be there to find you

Don't give up

Because you want to burn bright

If darkness blinds you

I will shine to guide you
Don't give up

Because you are loved

-God

God Loves us so much... His creation SCREAMS of this amazing love...We wake up in the morning, and we get a chance to see His artwork in the skies...

I think its really easy to get distracted in life. To forget our WHOLE purpose. What is our purpose? to Love and Be loved by He who Created us.

Life can be a real downer... so when you think you're about to give up, remember... God is holding on to you even when you are too weak to cling to Him. and i've been learning a lot about that over the pat few months...

--Jess--

... At the Car Wash!

so... it had come to my attention that my beastie car was getting kinda dirty, so i decided to give it a bath.
i thought carefully about where i wanted to take my vehical, considering it was going to be the first time i took it into a car wash... but after seeing that i had less than 1/16 of a tank of gas, and less than 25 min till i had to be at work, i decided to go to the closest, cheapest place possible.
after feeding the nice automatic-credit-card-eating-machine, i pulled forward. . . .

steam arose from pipes in the walls, and then water shot out at amazing speed...
foam flew in rainbow colors, and wax sprinkled on the hood of my car.

as i was watching this car-wash action from the driver's seat, i realized that my head was wet. i looked up, to see that water and foam were dripping out of the corner of the glass-plated moon roof...
well, you can imagine the thoughts in my head.

"OH NO!! i'm gonna drown... from the inside!!
my car's gonna fall apart, and i'm gonna die, and how would i explain THAT to my dad??"

... i got an old subway cup i had convieniently lying on the floor, and started catching the water/foam in it...
i felt like a hick.
here i am, sitting in my truck/suv-thingy called beastie, catching water from its leaky roof in a paper cup...
and when the terrifying ride was FINALLY over... i drove to work.
when i got out of work, i jumped in my car, and found ice INSIDE my car... SAD DAY!!!

--Jess--

bring me back...

"When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find that God is all you need. "

these words may seem true enough, but how often do we forget that God really is all we need?? i know for me, i had to come to a point in my life where i truley had nothing left, a point where i was drained of all that i thought i was, in order to be filled with all that my amazing Creator is.

now, granted, i am only 17, and some people might think "how can you come to total desperation in just 17 short years of life?"

well, let me use some lyrics to explain how i once felt...

"I'm not a stranger, No I am yours. With crippled anger, And tears that still drip sore.
I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here Though I don't want to die..."

yeah... all i had left was the pain and scars of a past that JUST WASN'T GOING AWAY. those scars weren't deep enough to let others see my pain, only deep enough so that i knew i could never be the same.
but at the end of the day, i didn't like being bitter. i didn't even realize i had become bitter, but i was. i was a broken person, drowning in the pain of yesterday. i realized i could not get out of this ocean bymyself. i needed something more.

and God is enough. He is more than enough. His love is undifinable, incomprehenible, unimaginalble... and i have gone from being lost in pain, to being found is this great love.

.... so, why tell you all this??
well, latley some things have happened that have made me doubt... some things that have been going on for a while, but have recently gotten worse.
but being a child of the Most High God, He has been faithful. and when i start to slip back into the old way of life, He is quick to bring me to His side, and remind me of all the things He has saved me from. He is merciful, and just, and amazing.
HE IS LOVE.

God is omni-awesome! :)
He puts a smile on my face, and a song in my heart, and how can i keep from singing His praise??

--Jess--

here i am again

LORD

when all that i am is empty again...

LORD

thank you for loving the nothing that is me.

LORD

i don't know why you love me so.

but LORD

i have to believe it to be true.

so there i was... i was just waking up. i had slept in pretty late (since i didn't have to get up for work at the crack of dawn for the first time in i don't know how long)... and so i was i a pretty good mood.

until i walked down the stairs.

in the hallway where the stairs are, there is a small bay window. in the window, there hapen to be a bird. "hmm... thats odd." i thought. i figured that the bird would fly away when i got closer. but it didn't. so... naturally, i did what any curious human being would do. i tapped on the window.

the bird did not move.

so, i tapped harder....

nothing.

the poor (not to mention incredibly stupid) bird had froze to death while sitting pirched on the window sill, looking in at the nice warm house. i could almost imagine it thinking (right before it froze) 'wow... that room looks warm. i wish i could fly inside and sit in the not cold-ness of inside...) and then, it froze.

kind of a sad thought, huh?

well, there was only one thing left to do... take a picture! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how many times do we, as believers, know unsaved people, and we know that they are on the outside looking in, and yet we don't say anything. we leave them "out in the cold" so to speak...

moral of the story is:

don't leave your friends out in the cold. bring them in!! let them know the secret to life! share the joy you have hopefully found in being a child of the Most High God!!

... or else they might fall over dead in the fozen wasteland of life... like the stupid bird outside my window..(which, by the way, now that the snow has melted, is STILL on the window ledge, but had falled over, and is now even more pathetic than it wa

Faith

So there i was... sitting at Pizza hut with my mom. we try to get together and hang out at least once a week, since i moved in with my dad las year...

anyway... there we were. we started talking about my father.She was very upset. usually i try to avoid this topic, because, as you would imagine, it makes me feel kinda akward. But i sensed a cry in her voice. she needed to talk about him tonight, and for whatever reason, God decided i was going to be the one she talked to.

before i knew what was going on, i found myself discussing the painful details of my parents' divorce with my mom. i was giving her advice on how to let go of her past. i told her that by God's grace we live day by day. and when the days seem so long, we live hour by hour... moment by moment... prayer by prayer. But our God is a good and faithful God, and He listens tou our prayers.

And that is faith: not only believing God CAN... but KNOWING God WILL.

In the midst of counselling my mother (which, by the way, was all God, and nothing of me, because i was completely and utterly TERRIFIED...) i realized something.

It hit me so hard, i stopped talking, and i almost forgot what i was saying. what did i realize??
I HAD FINALLY MOVED ON.

i realized for the first time in a LONG time i wasn't living in the shadows of my past. i can't say exactly when i let go of my bitterness, or when i stopped crying myself to sleep every night. I don't remember when i woke up and WASN'T living in fear... but at that moment, when i looked back, i saw God's hand... His almighty, powerfully amazing hand in my life these past months.

I tried to let my mom know how much i love her, and that even though divorce is NEVER a part of God's plan, the truth is that He allowed this to happen. I tried to help her not forget her past... but rather learn how that pain is making her into a better, stronger person.

at that same time, i realized that i couldn't make her better. and that is the worst pain of all: seeing someone you love and care about in pain, self-inflicted misery, and knowing you are powerless to do anything. but i know a great and mighty God who can do all things. so i lift her to Him. only He can carry her through her memories of an abusive husband. only he can bring beauty from pain.

He will erase hateful words. He will blot out scars of anger... God will take away the pain i wish i could. He will love my mom in ways i wish i would. and He will be with her always.

Relient K!! Toby Mac!! and... my car??

"Oh what a lousy excuse for a car! One mile to go, but i can't push it that far!

I think i've had enough... i think i'm... I'M GIVING UP!!

I saved up my money to buy a new guitar. but i got ripped off by a guy who fixed my car. i think i've had enough... i think i'm... I'M GIVING UP!!

once again life's thrown me a curve... and it blew up right in my face! once again life's right on my nerves... Can't you see that i'm stuck in this place?? all because you're giving me a BREAKDOWN!!

........... stuck on the side of the road, emotion overload!!"



i was singing this song to my car this morning as i was attempting to get it to start in this arctic Iowa weather. Eventually my car did start, and a puff of snow shot at my face thanks to my dysfunctional heating vents. this snow continued in a stady stream throughout the remainder of my 15 minute drive to school. apparently my beastie car did not apprecheiate the song...



so there i was... driving along, (very bitter, and VERY cold) and the CD changed to Toby Mac.



"Whatever happened to a passion I could live for What became of the flame that made me feel more And when did I forget that...I was made to love you I was made to find youI was made just for you Made to adore youI was made to love And be loved by youYou were here before me You were waiting on me And you said you'd keep me Never would you leave me I was made to love and be loved by you"

and suddenly, my mood changed. how can i be bitter and grumpy when i think of how the creator of the universe loves me, and He knows me, and Hes never gonna leave me, and He promises to keep me and never let me go?!?!?!

:D
love and be loved...
--Jess--

The Mountian Top

Most of us wouldn't mind being gold, but we don't want to go thorugh the refiner's fire. And being clay in the potter's hands isn't too appealing either. We would all opt to be great... but we don't want to do the work it takes to become great.So we set up camp on the bottom of the trail that leads to the mountian top, because we don't want to go through the pain and suffering it takes to climb up the mountian.

But without slipping, and stumbling, and getting back up, and falling back down, and running, and FINALLY reaching the top -- we'd never fully grasp the joy of it all.No one ever goes willingly into the potter's hands... He has to break us, and mold us, and make us into His new creation... His perfect creation. And it hurts... and sometimes it feels like we might drown in the sea of tears, we might get lost in all of our doubts and fears... BUT DEEPER THAN OUR TEARS IS THE UNFAILING LOVE OF CHRIST. It finds us when we are too lost to find ourselves. His love holds on to us, when we are too weak to cling to it.And you know what?? God really does work all things for the good of those who love Him.

I promise... but more importantly, GOD promises. and His promises are ALWAYS kept.And looking down at the trail that lead me to the top of this mountian... well, it almost makes me feel like I could fly right off... into the arms of my Creator... :DLife's a bumpy road, and God never said it would be easy... He only PROMISED He'd be right there with us, and it would be worth it in the end.

--Jess--