JOY! :)

Check this out:

G.K. Chesterson said, "Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. they always say, 'Do it again'; and the grown-up person does it agin until he is nearly dead. For grown up people are not srtong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy seperately, but has never got tired of making them..."

How awesome is that??!! To think of how majestic and beautiful nature is, and that God not only made it once and for all, but he makes it shine brighter everyday. So im in the first month of my "college career." (i hate that term. its not really a career. when i think of careers i think of money. and im certianly not making any money off this whole college gig. but anyway...) already i have started to get in a "slump." its a sort of get-up-go-to-class-go-to-work-do-homework-then-go-to-sleep slump. same thing everyday. then i read this passage in a book for my christian discipleship class. God is strong enough to exult in the MONOTONY. not because its boring... but because its beautiful. he is so full of joy that everything he does pleases him. Why can't i be that way?! do i exult in everything God does?

granted, sitting in my 8 o'clock class every morning is not like watching the sunrise every morning.... but there are things to be joyful in. for example, the fact that can be sitting in a Bible class at all... that alone is quite amazing and should be a great source of joy. two years ago, Bible college is the last place i thought i'd be... yet here i am.

God is strong enough to EXULT in the monotony. it doesn't say God is strong enough to not be completly bored out of his mind in the monotony. nor does it even say God is strong enough to be happy in the monotony. no. it says he is strong enough to EXULT in the monotony. According to dictionary.com, exult means, "to show or feel a lively or triumphant joy; rejoice exceedingly; be highly elated or jubilant." this conjours up a picture of someone so bubbling over with joy that they simply cannot contain it! (do you think God has a "happy dance?") :D

Thats how i want to live my life.... rejoicing exeedingly.

-Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in you be GLAD; let them ever sing for JOY. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may REJOICE in you.

-John 15:10-12 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my JOY may be in you and that your JOY may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

-Romans 15:13 May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.

10 days left

"This is an exciting time! You're starting a new chapter in your life..."

BLAH BLAH BLAH. i've heard that line about 6,789 times in the past 4ish months. But i still can't seem to agree with it. A new book, maybe. a new world of challenges, possibly. but simply a new chapter? i think not.

where has my summer gone? i have 10 days left before i move to a different state, and leave pretty much all i know behind. i guess i thought it would feel different than this. i thought i would, i don't know, "mature" or something over the summer. i would somehow FEEL more prepared to go away. i would have some "epiphany" as to what direction God would have me go and what i was suppose to do.

but surprize, surprize, I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE!!!! infact, instead of "growing up" i seem to have reverted to clinging to my childhood more. not so much in an immature, "i want to stay home and watch cartoons and eat cereal all day" kind of way... i mean, i did move out and was living with a friend in her apartment for most of the summer. and i have been working 40 hours a week in the kitchen at hy-vee. to most people, on the outside at least, that would seem mature and very adult-like. but i know myself too well.

i know that as the days on the calender are screaming that im closer and closer to moving away to college, the more i want to ignore it, and run the other direction. i want to avoid it all together, which is very childish of me.

i guess im still holding on to this hope that i will be ready when the day comes to pack and move and drive to missouri... but im slowly getting used to the idea that i will leave wither im ready or not, and my thoughts and feelings will soon follow. and i know that God will use this time of uncertianty to glorify his name. and in the end thats all i can ask for...... right?

We All Fall

We All Fall
V1: sometimes i struggle to know how to feel
to know what to think
to know what is real
and normally im pretty good with words
i know what to say
to make you look the other way
... while i fal further from grace

Chorus: but here in this moment i long for the truth
i want to come running back to you
but my words cannot express
my mind just can't find rest
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are
v2: and i know who i was
but that is nailed to the cross
and i am free to live unashamed
Lord be my rock when i am lost in this storm
God be my hope when my future seems torn
Daddy here i am
take me back again

Chorus: but here in this moment i long for the truth
i want to come running back to you
but my words cannot express
my mind just can't find rest
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are

Bridge: i am forgiven
i am loved
i am free
I am yours
i am yours
and i know we all fall sometimes
but what we do when we begin to crawl defines
who we are...
________________________________________
--Jess--

holy

Holy

How many roads did I travel Before I walked down one that led me to You?

How many dreams did unravel Before I believed in a hope that was true?

How long? How far?

What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still And all You ever wanted…
Only me on my knees Singing holy, holy

And somehow All that matters now is You are holy, holy
How many deaths did I die Before I was awakened to new life again?

How many half truths did bear witness to ‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?

How long? How far?

What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still
And all You ever wanted…

only me on my knees singing holy, holy

somehow all that matters now is You are holy, holy...

such true lyrics. when it seems we have tried EVERYTHING we know to make life make more sense... God brings us to our knees, and we realize thats where we sould have been all along-- falling to our knees in prayer, crying to the Maker of the mountians we can't climb.

Its a very humbling experience to pray. when you think of how a holy God can look on us with love, even after all we have done, and yet to do... sometimes its hard to stand before his throne and not be ashamed, and discouraged, because i am SO not worthy and i mess up again and again. but at the same time thats what offers hope. God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. thats a hard concept to grasp. no matter what i do, my God is going to still take care of me. he's still gonna love me the same. and because i know Christ died for ALL of my sins-- for the sins i committed ysterday, and the ones i will committ tomorrow-- i can kneel before the Throne of the Most High God, humbled, but unashamed, for Jesus' blood makes me clean.

and when i'm done wondering the roads that lead me no where, you'll find me in the place where it all began-- on my knees, singing holy, holy. and i've found that all that matters now, is he is holy, holy.

--Jess--

Free

"The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage"
-Thucydides

I once read that “Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." (Voltaire) I would agree, to an extent...
We choose when we are ready to let go, when we are finally able to put the past to rest.
We choose to let God break us of everything we thought we were, so that we can be everything he created us to be.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take the first step.
We can rationalize in our minds that we are fine, we don't need to change. Or at least thats what i do. I convince myself that i don't need help. i'm fine. i can live with this sin, with this life for a while longer.
But i couldn't. it was killing me. it was breaking my spirit, it was draining my strength. and finally accepting help was the most humbling, terrifying, incredible experience of my life.

I've always been one to cry. a lot. for aparently no reason. :)
but these past couple of days, with all the changes, i havn't cried. i think it just goes to show how completely empty i am. and its scary, but now that i am emptied, my creator can fill me.
He can fill me with his love.
He can fill me with his mercy.
His gentleness.
His strength.
His forgiveness.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
-James 1:12-

All in All

you are my strength when i am weak
you are the treasure that i seek
you are my all in all...

what does that mean? to be "all in all" ??
it means God is everything. begning and end. (and everywhere in between) :P
His love and mercy surrounds us, it is in us, it shines through us.and when i fail time and time again... it humbles me... shatters me to my core to realize He still loves me. he will still provide for me, because His love is unconditional.
UNCONDITIONAL.
that means i am His child, and i am his beloved one NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I MESS UP. He loves me when i can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror. when my shame and regrets have become chains that bind me, and keep me from living the life that Christ died to give me... My God still loves me.
and sometimes its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he has already forgiven me. he forgave me at the cross. he only sees his son-- his perfect, holy son in place of my disgusting sin.
all in all....
everything
more than enough
sufficeint for even me
loving
merciful
kind
unconditional
ALL powerful

i am emply, but Lord my prayer is that i find fulfillment in you and you alone.
i am broken but Abba make me brand new.
i am weak, but i know when i am weak that you oh Lord are strong.
i am nothing... but God you are my all in all

untitled

so its the end of my senior year... *que the sappy music, get the box of tissues, hug a friend*


but hold up! its all happening so fast! i hesitate to even write this, cuz i feel like everything that i'm feeling right now is so new to me, but yet i know its been felt a million times by everyone else, that no one would care to read about one more person caught between the pages of an unwritten chapter in their life...


so i'm writting this one for me. i'm getting it all out there, everything im feeling right now, because thats why i write. i feel like if i can somehow put into words what im thinking, if i can catch the crazy/sad/happy/mad/bitter/regretful/stressed-yet-calm emotions on paper... maybe i'll be rid of them for good!


so..... where to begin?? i always knew i would graduate high school, but i never really put a whole lot of thought into it. like where i would go afterwards or anything. now its here.


HERE.


NOW.


i know that God is calling me to go to Central Christian College of the Bible in Moberly, MO... but where from there i don't know. i hadn't cried at all about missing friends or about being unsure of the future; i hadn't stressed over how i was going to pay for college. honestly, i was really caught up i being busy working and just


going


going


going


all the time that i didn't have any time to slow down and realize the changing world around me.





......... until saturday night.


ok, so technically it was sunday morning at 2am, (when you are sleep deprived, emotions always run rampid) and i was opening cards from my graduation party earlier that day.


i had opened about 72,000 cards when my hands fell on a card that my bestest friend in the whole entire universe gave me.


the words were few.


the message simple.


but hot tears streamed down my face.


"i'm gonna miss you this summer and school year... thanks for bringing meaning to my life. your smile is always a bright spot in my day..."



out of NO WHERE the tears poured out of my eyes.

What??!! i thought to myself. why am i crying?? why now?

i didn't cry when my mom hugged me for the first time in months.

i didn't cry when my friends i hadn't seen since 3rd grade randomly showed up to my open house.

i didn't cry when my dad actually told me he loved me and he was proud of me. (which is totally not like him)

but when my best friend wrote me a simple note telling of how i had somehow encouraged her.... the flood gates broke! :)
i guess all i could think of was all the times she had poured her life into me, and pointed me back to God in my times of need, and all the little things she did to make my life brighter. and yet she was thanking ME??? why???
and then i kept crying, (i've found that once you start to cry, its much easier to just keep crying than to attempt to stop...)
so then i just layed on my bed and cried (at this point its like 3am) and when i was done crying i remember that i felt-- i don't know hoe to describe it-- empty. but in a good way. because God uses the empty jar and fills it again. he takes the blank canvas and paints a masterpiece....
he uses the broken life and builds a new creation.
:) so..... i'm ready for what God has in store..... are you??
--Jess--