holy

Holy

How many roads did I travel Before I walked down one that led me to You?

How many dreams did unravel Before I believed in a hope that was true?

How long? How far?

What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still And all You ever wanted…
Only me on my knees Singing holy, holy

And somehow All that matters now is You are holy, holy
How many deaths did I die Before I was awakened to new life again?

How many half truths did bear witness to ‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?

How long? How far?

What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still
And all You ever wanted…

only me on my knees singing holy, holy

somehow all that matters now is You are holy, holy...

such true lyrics. when it seems we have tried EVERYTHING we know to make life make more sense... God brings us to our knees, and we realize thats where we sould have been all along-- falling to our knees in prayer, crying to the Maker of the mountians we can't climb.

Its a very humbling experience to pray. when you think of how a holy God can look on us with love, even after all we have done, and yet to do... sometimes its hard to stand before his throne and not be ashamed, and discouraged, because i am SO not worthy and i mess up again and again. but at the same time thats what offers hope. God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. thats a hard concept to grasp. no matter what i do, my God is going to still take care of me. he's still gonna love me the same. and because i know Christ died for ALL of my sins-- for the sins i committed ysterday, and the ones i will committ tomorrow-- i can kneel before the Throne of the Most High God, humbled, but unashamed, for Jesus' blood makes me clean.

and when i'm done wondering the roads that lead me no where, you'll find me in the place where it all began-- on my knees, singing holy, holy. and i've found that all that matters now, is he is holy, holy.

--Jess--

Free

"The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage"
-Thucydides

I once read that “Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." (Voltaire) I would agree, to an extent...
We choose when we are ready to let go, when we are finally able to put the past to rest.
We choose to let God break us of everything we thought we were, so that we can be everything he created us to be.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take the first step.
We can rationalize in our minds that we are fine, we don't need to change. Or at least thats what i do. I convince myself that i don't need help. i'm fine. i can live with this sin, with this life for a while longer.
But i couldn't. it was killing me. it was breaking my spirit, it was draining my strength. and finally accepting help was the most humbling, terrifying, incredible experience of my life.

I've always been one to cry. a lot. for aparently no reason. :)
but these past couple of days, with all the changes, i havn't cried. i think it just goes to show how completely empty i am. and its scary, but now that i am emptied, my creator can fill me.
He can fill me with his love.
He can fill me with his mercy.
His gentleness.
His strength.
His forgiveness.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
-James 1:12-

All in All

you are my strength when i am weak
you are the treasure that i seek
you are my all in all...

what does that mean? to be "all in all" ??
it means God is everything. begning and end. (and everywhere in between) :P
His love and mercy surrounds us, it is in us, it shines through us.and when i fail time and time again... it humbles me... shatters me to my core to realize He still loves me. he will still provide for me, because His love is unconditional.
UNCONDITIONAL.
that means i am His child, and i am his beloved one NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I MESS UP. He loves me when i can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror. when my shame and regrets have become chains that bind me, and keep me from living the life that Christ died to give me... My God still loves me.
and sometimes its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he has already forgiven me. he forgave me at the cross. he only sees his son-- his perfect, holy son in place of my disgusting sin.
all in all....
everything
more than enough
sufficeint for even me
loving
merciful
kind
unconditional
ALL powerful

i am emply, but Lord my prayer is that i find fulfillment in you and you alone.
i am broken but Abba make me brand new.
i am weak, but i know when i am weak that you oh Lord are strong.
i am nothing... but God you are my all in all