Faith

So there i was... sitting at Pizza hut with my mom. we try to get together and hang out at least once a week, since i moved in with my dad las year...

anyway... there we were. we started talking about my father.She was very upset. usually i try to avoid this topic, because, as you would imagine, it makes me feel kinda akward. But i sensed a cry in her voice. she needed to talk about him tonight, and for whatever reason, God decided i was going to be the one she talked to.

before i knew what was going on, i found myself discussing the painful details of my parents' divorce with my mom. i was giving her advice on how to let go of her past. i told her that by God's grace we live day by day. and when the days seem so long, we live hour by hour... moment by moment... prayer by prayer. But our God is a good and faithful God, and He listens tou our prayers.

And that is faith: not only believing God CAN... but KNOWING God WILL.

In the midst of counselling my mother (which, by the way, was all God, and nothing of me, because i was completely and utterly TERRIFIED...) i realized something.

It hit me so hard, i stopped talking, and i almost forgot what i was saying. what did i realize??
I HAD FINALLY MOVED ON.

i realized for the first time in a LONG time i wasn't living in the shadows of my past. i can't say exactly when i let go of my bitterness, or when i stopped crying myself to sleep every night. I don't remember when i woke up and WASN'T living in fear... but at that moment, when i looked back, i saw God's hand... His almighty, powerfully amazing hand in my life these past months.

I tried to let my mom know how much i love her, and that even though divorce is NEVER a part of God's plan, the truth is that He allowed this to happen. I tried to help her not forget her past... but rather learn how that pain is making her into a better, stronger person.

at that same time, i realized that i couldn't make her better. and that is the worst pain of all: seeing someone you love and care about in pain, self-inflicted misery, and knowing you are powerless to do anything. but i know a great and mighty God who can do all things. so i lift her to Him. only He can carry her through her memories of an abusive husband. only he can bring beauty from pain.

He will erase hateful words. He will blot out scars of anger... God will take away the pain i wish i could. He will love my mom in ways i wish i would. and He will be with her always.